Support in Your Time of Need

Reactions to Death | Coping | Support Groups | Suggested Reading

Someone close to you has died. As you struggle to accept this difficult loss, you may find yourself consumed by fear and grief.

Grief is a natural response to losing someone who was important to you. Grief hurts, but it is necessary. When a death tears your world apart, grieving is the process that helps put it back together. "Grief allows us to let go of that which was, so we'll be ready for that which is to be. Mourning allows us to disentangle ourselves from the bonds we had with the person we've lost," explains Therese Rando PhD, a clinical psychologist.

While grief is natural, it is also highly individual. How a person grieves depends on a number of factors. Your relationship with the person who died will certainly influence your grief, but so will your age, your sex-role conditioning, your religious beliefs and your previous experiences with death. The age of the deceased and the circumstances of death will also affect the intensity of your grief. In short, no one can tell you exactly how you will, or should, experience grief.

Reactions to Death (back to top)

Still, certain reactions to the death of a loved one are quite common and you can expect to experience some of them. You may go into shock. If the death was unexpected, you may even find yourself denying at first that the person has died. "You feel numb, you feel like a spectator watching what's going on," explains Dr. Earl Groliman. Dr. Grollman says this response is nature's way of protecting you, of insulating you from what is happening. Another immediate reaction to a death is anger. You may feel anger toward the doctors or nurses who couldn't save your loved one, toward the funeral director and toward God. You may even feel anger toward the person who died for leaving you. Unfortunately, most of us were taught as children that anger is something to be avoided; you may therefore feel guilty when your anger will not go away.

In fact, you could find yourself feeling guilty for a number of reasons. It is common for a bereaved person to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else has died. You may believe you somehow should have prevented the death, or should have been present to say goodbye if you weren't. You may dwell on an argument you had with the deceased. "Human relationships always contain some ambivalence, and no matter how wonderful we may have been to our mother, for example, we'll remember the one time we didn't go out and get the mail for her," Dr. Rando says.

As the reality of a death sinks in, it is common for the bereaved to slip into depression. Even if you are normally a committed, caring person, you could find that you don't care about anything or anyone.

You may also feel helpless and childlike. Dr. Rando points out that when you lose someone close, you also experience "secondary losses" that accrue because of the death. A woman who is widowed, for example, "didn't just lose her husband. She lost a friend, a confidant, someone to take vacations with, someone to help take care of the kids." These secondary losses can leave you feeling confused and panicky. For this reason, you should avoid making any major decisions; try to postpone them until you can think more clearly and have a better idea of how your life is going to change.

Another common reaction among grievers is preoccupation with the person who died. You may think about him or her constantly, re-create the circumstances of the death over and over in your mind, have dreams or nightmares about the person - you may even think you see or hear the deceased. Many people are surprised and frightened by the intensity of these reactions. "Grief feels like craziness to the person who's undergoing it,' Dr. Rando explains, but it's important to realize that, bizarre as they may seem, these reactions are normal.

The mental strain of grief can take a physical toll as well. It's not unusual for the bereaved to lose weight, experience difficulty sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath.

Coping With Grief (back to top)

How can you overcome the problems of grief'? You must first recognize that grief is necessary, and that it is something you must work through. As Dr. Grollman says, there is no shortcut through grief.

One of the best ways to begin working through grief is to attend the funeral. A funeral confirms the reality of death and serves as a focus for expressing feelings of loss. Funerals also stimulate mourners to begin talking about the deceased, one of the first steps toward accepting the death. Dr. Edgar Jackson, a psychologist who has written several books on death and the grieving process, says that people who don't attend the funeral of a loved one because they want to deny the death often suffer from 'unresolved grief' several months later.

Both before and after the funeral, it is important that you express your feelings. Take time to cry and don't be afraid to share your tears with other mourners. Talk openly with family members and friends. Don't try to "protect" other family members by hiding your sadness: it helps them as much as it does you. Express your anger if you are feeling it. This is the time to lean on friends. They may feel awkward for awhile because they don't know how to talk to you about your loss. But you can help them help you by simply telling them what you need.

If you normally have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it. Remember, grief is mentally stressful; you don't need the added strain of too much work to do. Set aside some quiet times just for yourself, so you can think about the death and your feelings and put things in perspective.

Remember to watch your health. With grief taking a toll on you physically, you need to eat well and get enough sleep. Try to exercise as well. Physical activity can often help offset depression and provide an outlet for your emotional energy.

What if you can't seem to handle your grief? Again, Dr. Rando emphasizes that there is no timetable for grief, so it is difficult to say when a person needs professional help. Dr. Grollman suggests that if you are worried that you aren't coping with your grief, it is time to seek help. (You also may be relieved to discover that you are reacting normally). If you believe you need help, ask your clergy person or doctor to suggest a counselor. Your funeral director can also offer valuable advice.

Finally, remember that as time goes on, your grief will diminish. This does not mean you will forget your loved one; it means you accept the death and can no longer enjoy the deceased person's physical presence. But he or she will still be part of your life. Even though your relationship with your loved one has changed forever, its existence and your feelings live on forever.

Support Groups in the South Bend, IN Area: (back to top)

The Center for Hospice and Palliative Care, Inc.
111 Sunnybrook Court
South Bend, Indiana 46637
574.243.3100
http://www.centerforhospice.org/contact.htm

Madison Center
http://www.madison.org

Living Through Loss
http://www.livingthroughloss.com

Finding Myself Again
574.259.2431

Compassionate Friends
574.674.0563
http://www.thecompassionatefriendsofsouthbendin.org/

Angel of Hope Memorial Garden
574.252.6500
http://www.angelofhopemichiana.org

Finding Myself Group
574.255.2431

The Mental Help Center
574.234.1049

Caregivers Grief Support
233.4447

N.A.I.M. Widowed Men & Women
574.291.0352

Widow to Widower
574.234.1049

Recommended Books: (back to top)

Learning to Say Good-Bye
By: Edna Le Shan

Dying, Death & Bereavement
By: Lewis IL Aiken

What The Dying Teach Us, Lessons On Living
By: Rev. Samuel Oliver Mdiv, BCC
On Death and Dying
By: Elizabeth Kubeler-Ross

How We Die
By Sherman B. Norland